Thanks SHAFT. Thanks a lot. The fourth Madoka Magica movie is coming sooner than we thought. And now I’ve actually seen the trailer this morning, a lot of bad memories have come flooding back. I think I’ve linked that 6-year-old post of mine in enough posts here. Back in 2017, I walked away from a franchise (and its fan base) that had completely and utterly consumed me. I know that there is that whole “oh it’s just a show” kind of thing, but obsession can do some crazy things to a person…
…and I don’t mean to add a Homura Akemi pun to that, by the way; it just came out.
By the time Rebellion ended, we had Homura strip Madoka of her powers and trap her in her own little prison with the idea of preserving her innocence and protecting her from the evils of the universe, even if it meant them becoming enemies. Obsessive love had been something that had been drip-fed in Homura’s character design since the very beginning, and it all came to a head in this movie. So what will Walpurgisnacht – Rising bring us after the ending we got in Rebellion? Sorry to sound so bitter, but I don’t know and I don’t care. Not anymore.
Now I don’t want this hastily-written post to sound like I’m trying to warn you away from the franchise. This was my road, and mine alone. If you’re looking forward to seeing what SHAFT have cooked up, then that’s great. Sure, it’s fine to enjoy a show and be a massive fan of it, and I’m not disputing that. It’s because the story, the setting and character design was created so well that the fan base turned out the way it has. This was a whole new take on the magical girl genre that only someone like Gen Urobuchi could put together. And now 13 years after the original show came out, the fan base is still strong, and thanks to the movie announcement, it’s been given some new energy. But what happened to me and my fandom of the show? Well a lot happened, not all of it pretty. I only skimmed through some stuff in that last post, but I think it’s time I dug a little deeper.
(NB: This post contains discussions of chronic depression.)
It’s been something I avoid completely on my social media now, and even as the trailer has come out (literally a couple of hours after this post has been published), I feel awful at how many people are looking forward to seeing these five bicker at one another again after a 10-year break from the main story and the Magia Record spin-off that didn’t really hit the mark like SHAFT had hoped. And then here’s me treating my walking away from the franchise like escaping some dangerous cult or something. I suppose that, as a now jaded and experienced anime fan, I don’t want fans younger than me to go down a similar road that I did. I’ve lost a lot of money to this franchise. I ended up burning bridges with some really amazing friends I had made. I became such a miserable individual that I gave up a career dream I had of becoming a photographer. Looking back at it now, I suppose I could buy a brand new SLR camera and try again, but I’m a different person than back then.
The fandom I was in feels like both ages ago and only yesterday at the same time. I would begin like many other fans would, with buying merch and collecting fan art, and writing fan fiction, and so on. Because anime wasn’t really as big in the UK back then (early 2010s) as it is now, all of this was something I had to dig deep to find, and spend a lot of money on – money I didn’t have and couldn’t afford to lose. But money wasn’t the biggest motivation for me to walk away; instead it was the constant discussion and discourse. I knew a lot of people in my social circle back then couldn’t have given two damns about the franchise, and yet I insisted on long conversations without a care. And the quicker I realized this, the more closed in and isolated I felt. The more desperate I was to discuss it, the more self-loathing built up inside me. Before I realized it, I had lost some awesome friends because they didn’t want to handle my nattering anymore. They didn’t care about all the hidden messages, metaphors, religious references and philosophical discussion. It was not ‘just a show’ for me, like they said – it was the only thing I would talk about.
I recently looked back at my old post reading one of the comments saying that it isn’t Madoka that I was running away from, but instead myself and how deeply I was absorbed in the story. I didn’t want to talk about how an anime show played a big part in my chronic depression because it felt like such an embarrassing thing to admit. I began to hate myself more and more, but I still continued following the franchise because I felt like I couldn’t think of anything else to attach myself to. A family tragedy had happened around that time too, and at the time I was in that ‘what if?’ phase for around a year, and so that added to this just piled up and made me do something to myself that I deeply regret…which I refuse to talk about as I am still very ashamed of it, even after nearly 10 years.
So much had piled on me back then, and even though I knew that saying an anime franchise I had grown utterly obsessed with played a significant part in my depression felt like a ridiculous thing to openly admit, I was still able to find a helpline to call, and talk about it to the therapist that my sister and me had found after the family tragedy. I think just having someone listen and hear me vent about all the things that had been building up in me was really worth it. And about 18 months later, I walked away for good…and it was like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My family know about the show I worshiped, but they don’t know everything, and I prefer to keep it that way. The things I’ve lost are things I will never get back, but I am a happier person now I am no longer a part of the fan base and avoid all discussion and discourse about the franchise and its future.
Like a lot of people, I still think that Rebellion was a movie for the fans only. What did I think of the ending? Well on first watch, I hated it. Was I looking for the happy ending that is almost expected in a magical girl story? Well of course not. But the more I looked into Homura’s character design, the more I understood that that ending was a suitable one. Heck, I wouldn’t have minded if the franchise had ended there. Everyone would get what they wanted – happy people who know nothing about being Puella Magi, no more witches or nightmares to fight, and Homura would get her precious Madoka in a preserved jar. But I think it was shortly after Rebellion came out when it dawned on me how my road in the franchise had become such a toxic and horrible one.
But enough about me. I do hope that fans will get what they want in Walpurgisnacht – Rising, and get the ending that they want. My own franchise ending is the one I saw in Rebellion, and it will stay that way. I am still worried that social media will mean memories of that road will keep coming back. And like I said, this is not an ‘escaping a dangerous cult’ post. I just cannot be a part of the Madoka Magica franchise any more. Not just for my sake, but for everyone else’s. There’s a good chance that you’re reading this after Walpurgisnacht – Rising has come out, and we’ll get another ending that’ll be scrutinized for an eternity, just as Rebellion‘s one was. I guess what I’m getting at here after what I’ve been through is: don’t be me. Don’t give up on your career dreams. Stay in touch with friends you love. And don’t waste your money on an anime franchise that you know will make you heavily depressed.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from issues discussed in this post, don’t be afraid to contact a medical professional or call a helpline. Contact friends and family; you’ll be surprised at how much they want to help you at any time you feel the way you do. And remember you are not alone.
Anime Solstice 
Your story about Madoka Magica was an illuminating one, and if I may, I have a similar story to share. It isn’t about me: I watched the series and found a remarkable, straightforward tale of mental health and wellness, and I’ve long argued that all of the analysis the community insists on isn’t strictly necessary (I’d like to share this if you’re interested).
However, I had a classmate who similarly fell in love with the series to the same extent as you did. He was struggling to find a girlfriend and saw himself in Homura, desperately chasing after his Madoka despite knowing the odds were slim. In endlessly watching Homura’s actions and trying to pick apart his own situation, Madoka Magica became a central part of his identity to the point where he was willing to put the franchise above everything else in his life. Things came to a head during December 2013 when Rebellion began screening locally. There were only two screenings, both of which were on exam dates. To this classmate, Madoka Magica was more important than finishing his university, and he attended the screenings at the expense of his exams. The resulting failing grades were enough to get him kicked out of the faculty, and according to one of my friends, he transferred into communications, before graduating and working at the local Old Navy. It’s been almost ten years since then, speaking to how some decisions can stick with people.
This is a more dramatic example of what Madoka Magica can do to some of its fans, and for my part, I count myself as more moderate fan of the series. I certainly don’t believe in all of the psychological or philosophical conclusions that the community reaches, and I don’t believe in sacrificing everything in my life to keep up with, or support this series. It is good to know that the fourth film is coming out, and at the risk of ending up in your spam folder, I have one more set of thoughts to share regarding Rebellion: with a decade’s worth of extra life experience, I propose a non-philosophical way of resolving things. I’m an optimist and a pragmatist, and I hope you may also find my thoughts helpful!
The fan base were always fighting each other, because none of them would agree with each others’ theories. These were people (including myself at the time) who would treat this show as the greatest thing since sliced bread, and so everyone needed to have their 15 minutes in the forums, regardless of how crazy their theories were.
Sorry to hear about your classmate though. I think Homura was someone a lot of us in the hardcore community could easily compare ourselves to precisely because she believed herself to be the only right person in the room, and have the only answer to a happy ending, with no one and nothing else mattering.
I know that I probably would have made a lot more terrible choices had I stuck around, so I’m glad I was able to get out when I did. Thanks for the post links as well. I honestly wish I had the stamina to write long posts like you.
It always seemed to me that the theories out there, rather than being objective truths, were better seen as insights into the holder’s beliefs and experiences. There isn’t necessarily a single right way to live, and correspondingly, it was always perfectly valid to reach a different conclusion about the messages that Madoka Magica seemed to convey. Sadly, because people were more intent on pushing their view, rather than listening to others, talk of the series ended up being a contest to see who could use bigger words. It’s a shame, because there is a great deal of mental health related topics that Madoka Magica excelled in conveying.
The idea of being right is, ironically, the quickest path to misery and unhappiness. Mark Manson is my go-to in this area, and he writes that a part of being a better person is to understand that life isn’t a game of being right the most often, but rather, learning how to be less wrong. Homura’s actions throughout Madoka Magica and Rebellion become a visceral study of what happens to people when they insist on their own rightness: they go down a difficult path, and the longer they believe they can go it alone, the more insurmountable their problems become. This is why Walpurgisnacht Rising is going to be interesting to watch – I want to see if Urobuchi writes the story in a way that is consistent with Manson’s suggestions about life.
Longer posts aren’t always a good thing. There’s merit to shorter, concise posts that clearly and directly hit the nail on the head: your experience with Madoka Magica and how it ties in with mental health was insightful and clear. On my end, I have a bit of trouble keeping things short because I like to be thorough and ensure that I’m clear about where I stand on things. The tradeoff is that posts become extremely long winded and for some folks, not fun to read!