I’m writing this post sitting up on my bed at 6am because I can’t get back to sleep. This isn’t a scripted or drafted post either; just words straight from the keyboard.
Realizing that it’s been over a year since the last post, I made an announcement on my new Mastodon account (yes, I signed up for that) that I’d be making a return to this blog. Right now I have 7 different drafts for posts going; some of them are over a year old, and some of them probably won’t even make it to final draft and posting. So what is it then? Am I just going to make another one of those posts that I’ve made in the past about how much of a loser I am in keeping and maintaining an anime blog that I want people to read? Just for the record, those drafts that likely won’t make it to final posting include ones about how disappointed I’m getting in Netflix’s ongoing schedule of new anime shows, and me comparing Wonder Egg Priority to Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Sound like decent ideas to you, perhaps? So why aren’t I getting off my ass and working on these drafts? Well I could easily blame everyone else, but it really is all my fault.
In July of 2014, I began writing for the review site The OASG, covering seasonal anime. Sometimes I’d pick out some shows that turned out to be very decent, but most of the time they turned out to be medium-to-mediocre. In a couple of months, I will be leaving. There are a lot of reasons I’ve given for doing so – mental health, family, life, but anime apathy is a big part of that too. I think what it was is that, over the last 10 years or so, I had grown too accustomed to watching only the newest shows, that I had almost completely shut myself off from any others. Classic shows, recent ones, it didn’t matter. The only ones I’d be focused on would be the three shows I’d picked out a couple of months before the season actually began. I’d avoid the big franchises and stick to the lesser-known ones. And every now and then, I’d make some readers mad; my coverage of Darling in the Franxx is a big example of that, and how I dealt with the Zero Two stans is something I don’t want to relive.
I had been hoping, at the time of leaving, that I’d devote more time to this blog, allowing me the freedom to catch up on any kind of anime show that I wanted. And so now I have that quote-unquote freedom, what am I meant to do now? Accomplishments have gone from finding an interesting-looking show to watch and binge on, to actually getting out of bed. Sounds like I’m turning into a real loser, but my mental health really played a big part in not just my writing skills, but my interest in anime.
Saying this makes me think back to when I was an obsessed Madoka Magica fan. The show had consumed me and ultimately made me very miserable, but I didn’t care at the time. What those five girls got up to, the art direction, the open and hidden metaphors…they were all I could think about. And I think that that experience has led me to where I am at right now where it comes to my interest in anime as a whole. I don’t want to become too consumed by another show again. Sure, it’s fine to enjoy a show and be a fan of it, and I’m not disputing that. It was only when fandom became obsession where things turned sour for me. And by the time I realized that too much was too much, my interest as a whole just felt like a downward spiral.
So what has got me this far? Well my falling out with the UK con scene is a definite reason too. I had wanted things to change there, and people just didn’t like that idea. And even if an olive branch came out, I don’t even know if I’d want to take it. Not because the falling out was that big (it really wasn’t, to be honest), but I just would not be bothered to do it. A lot of them are decent people too, which sucks.
I go back to one of my biggest accomplishments on some days actually getting out of bed here. The fact that I’m now gainfully in employment is a big boost, but being stricken off work after having a series of seizures has meant a lot more free time. This is where you might think I take this time to actually binge on shows that I’ve missed out on over the last 10 years, right? Those shows that I didn’t pick to cover on The OASG. Or maybe finish those drafts that I have on this blog. And yet I don’t do them. And the reason why? It is this apathy that I have talked about. I had a passion and drive, but over time it has just shriveled up and vanished. New hobbies haven’t even taken its place either. Nowadays, just some tiny and minuscule accomplishments of getting out of bed are what make me now.
It’s plain to see that my mental health has been seriously affected by a lot of things over the last 10 years; most of which are things I’d rather keep close to my chest. The life ethic I once had is disappearing, and even though I know that the smaller accomplishments are what keep me going now, I know that someday making the effort to get off my ass and watch some anime will be a bigger part of my life again. This lack of effort has led to these smaller accomplishments in my life, which has led to real apathy for me. I don’t catch up on those shows because I don’t choose to. Choosing to would mean I’d need to get that life ethic back again – something that I had once, but have since lost. But finding that drive again…oh, I genuinely want to do that. It’ll come to me, I know. Eventually. But as for the meantime, well maybe in another 6-8 months I’ll write another emo post like this.
The poor mental health I have has felt like a wound that won’t heal. The sub-title of this blog says I want to add philosophy to posts I write. Well if such posts ever do return, I want that to happen. I don’t like the idea of having a sudden and sharp kick up the ass to actually write them though; this is a motivation I want to develop on my own.